ALCHEMIC CHEERS
1 INT CHEERS
Frasier is seated and talking to Woody
WOODY: What you doin’ Dr. Crane?
FRASIER: Well Woody, I’m reading a book of alchemic riddles. Here is the first
one, what is it? “It is familiar to young and old. It is found in the country,
in the village, in the town, in all things created by God; yet it is despised by
all. Rich and poor handle it every day. It is cast into the streets by servant
maids. Children play with it, yet no one prizes it, though next to the human
soul it is the most precious and beautiful thing upon the earth and has the
power to pull down kings and princes?”
WOODY: I can’t imagine the answer to that, you’d have to be a star.
FRASIER: (amazed Woody may have the answer) Say Woody, have you ever thought of
going to university and getting a degree?
WOODY: Well Dr. Crane, Kelly says I already have three.
FRASIER: Three?
WOODY: Yup. Whenever her and Jacques go out alone she says I give her the third
one.
FRASIER: Third what?
WOODY: The third degree. I sure wish I knew what I got the other two in.
Frasier leans back stunned.
2 INT CHEERS
Sam and Woody are behind the bar, while Cliff and Frasier are seated. Carla
notices that Sam is writing something down.
CARLA: Hey, what ya writing Sammy?
SAM: Well Carla, I’ve decided to send Rebecca a love letter. Dames always go for
that mushy stuff.
CARLA: Read it. What have you got so far? (Cliff and Frasier agree)
SAM: OK. (picks up his paper) Dear Rebecca. (he stops and shrugs his shoulders
for his is all he has written down)
CARLA: Ooh Sammy that’s going to sweep her off her feet.
Carla walks away while Sam crumples up the paper
SAM: Oh well, burn your books and whiten your latten.
Norm walks in
NORM: Evening everybody.
EVERYONE: Norm!
Norm walks to his seat
WOODY: How goes work on the Prima Materia Mr. Peterson?
NORM: I’d like now to see how the Prima Materia goes in Mr. Peterson (points to
the beers)
SAM: Say everything ok Norm, you look a bit down?
CLIFF: Ah, that’s just because he’s going through the sate of delusion.
FRASIER: That’s dissolution, Cliff.
SAM: Well Norm, some alcohol will help. Hey Woody it’s a bit cool in here, can
you go and get a fire going, we need some more heat.
Woody leaves to turn up the heat while Sam gives Norm a special drink.
NORM: What drink is this?
SAM: A new drink Norm, a burning water.
CARLA: Served (gives him a coaster) on an Emerald Tablet.
NORM: Very nice Sammy.
SAM: Well a little inspiration from the soul of the world.
NORM: Thanks Sammy I could use some comforting today.
SAM: Don’t worry Norm, you’re my friend and nothing is more important to me that
helping out my (notices Rebecca has just walked out of her office) Maybe later
Norm. (runs to Rebecca) Say Rebecca, you look lovely today.
REBECCA: (stunned) Why thank you Sam. You look good today too.
SAM: What about my hair?
REBECCA: It looks good too Sam.
SAM: Say Rebecca.
REBECCA: This better not be another stupid ploy to try and get me into bed.
SAM: I was thinking. I am the sun, you are the moon, and together sex is a
dynamic dying, purification and redemption in order to create a new reality for
both of us, we can open to the matrix for love can lead us to our hidden pain
and trauma.
REBECCA: (stunned again by Sam’s words) That’s beautiful Sam
SAM: Great, then we should go for dinner at this great nude restaurant I know…
REBECCA: Please (she walks off to the pool room)
SAM: She’s coming around, another week and she’ll be mine.
Sam walks back to the bar and is joined by Woody who has also returned.
NORM: My problem is that this beautiful new secretary started working at my
office today. She’s hot Sammy, and she thinks I’m hot. She wants to be my Soror
Mystica, and I’m worried what Vera might think.
FRASIER: Oh isn’t this pathetic. In this day and age there is so little trust in
marriage. When one partner can’t trust the other just because a good-looking
member of the opposite sex happens to work in the same office as our loved one.
Is there no decency? I mean, for example, today a beautiful new psychologist was
just hired and I took her for lunch. Now when my lovely Lilith finds out, it
won’t even bother her.
The door opens, Lilith enters, she is steaming
LILITH: Frasier get you lying snake-laden belly over here!
FRASIER: Oh my God. (Frasier scampers over) Now Lilith-
CLIFF: All one really needs is the ah, Falafel Stone. You can do anything, heal
anything, and speak any language.
CARLA: Ya Clavin, what language are you speaking?
NORM: Sammy you had better give me a special dew drink.
WOODY: Don’t you mean a mountain dew Mr. Peterson?
NORM: No Woody, just dew. I need to grow.
SAM: That’s ok Norm. First you went through Nigredo, now you are in Albedo, a
washing of what you feel. Now you have to get to Coagulatio, you need to go back
to your office and talk to her.
The door opens and Norm’s new secretary walks in, while Rebecca moves to behind
the bar.
NORM: (notices her enter) Hey, that’s her
SAM: (noticing her attractiveness) Norm, wow, you animal.
WOODY: That was my nickname back in Hanover.
REBECCA: You were called animal Woody?
WOODY: No, wow! Listen up Miss Howe and you won’t make so many mistakes.
CLIFF: Maybe I should go over there on the golden wings of a caduceus and show
her something.
CARLA: You should hold a barff bag because that is what she will need if you
talk to her.
SAM: Well Norm, be like the Oroborus, return to the root
REBECCA: Be the golden pill
CLIFF: Be the Green Lion.
WOODY: Be the Blue Nun.
They all stare at Woody, he has no idea they were making alchemic references.
CLIFF: If I were you Normie (Carla cuts him off),
CARLA: Claven, this is Norm’s job, and if I hear another word I am going to
stuff an eight-ball down your throat. Not one more word.
Norm now walks over to his secretary. They talk for a bit, then she turns and
heads toward the door where she slowly puts on her coat. Norm returns to the
bar.
SAM: What happened Norm?
NORM: She felt that my wife was the best Soror Mystica I could have, so she felt
it was best for her to find a new job. She told me to be a peacock’s tail.
Cliff has sneaked over to the secretary who has not yet left.
CLIFF: Hi, I’m Clifford C. Claven, how would you like to be Dr. Feelgood’s next
patient?
The secretary quickly leaves.
CARLA: (from the back) Oh Claven.
CLIFF: Yes Carla.
CARLA: Can you come here please.
Cliff walks to the pool room.
SAM: Well gang, were all back as one
REBECCA: This calls for a drink.
WOODY: Should I put them in elixir flasks Miss Howe?
SAM: A toast, VITRIOL
A scream is heard. The all turn to the pool room when Cliff walks out with an
eight-ball in his mouth.