HUMOUR INTRODUCTION
…Oh, you startled me! I didn’t think you’d begin reading until tomorrow. Most are good at putting things off. I’m not even finished writing this book yet. Maybe if you could wait until tomorrow I could finish the last few pages for you…mmm, you’re not waiting huh. Well just read slow ok. It takes me a long time to write. I tried writing fast once and all it got me was finished.
You may be asking, just what is this book? A good question indeed. Yet so too is how Anna Nicole Smith ever got on television? I’ve read books on spiritual wisdom, mysticism and self-help- and my God they’re boring. I even tried to write one like them and I got boring. I wrote it while working on a drill press, but that’s not important now. What is important is that you want to start to enjoy your wonderful new purchase. You did buy this book right?
I’m not here to convert anyone to anything, because there is nothing to be converted to. I was told that all religions have the same root, thus they are at heart all the same. What a load of crap! I’ve read all the religious texts, from the Tao Te Ching to TV Guide. Do you see any humour in there? Actually Jesus and Buddha were funny guys. Really! So too Muhammad, Krishna, Isis and the guy who sells me my lottery tickets at the 7-11.
Think of me as your guide, someone that can help you travel in a particular destination because they themselves have the experience of travelling there. A Lonely Planet guide to brothels in Amsterdam is only helpful because the researchers have been to the places they explain. Then again a guide is like a map, and a map can’t list everything. I have to leave a few things for you to discover on your own. But like a good map, I’ll be here again and again for you to refer to when occasional problems arise in your life. Just promise me that you will fold me gently along my creases when you are done. Yet, as with any map, all that really matters is that “you are here.”
When someone tells me of their experience in spiritual training I want us to feel like equals, to share a common bond. So I tell them of my spiritual experiences on trains. That story of meditating on Amtrak always garners their attention for hours. Don’t ask me about it, try it yourself and you will see.
Spiritual exercises are like tools in a toolbox. Just like you can’t fix a car with just a screwdriver, you will have trouble awakening with just one tool. We need a full toolbox, or how can we inflate your car repair bill by $600.00? Think about it. So while I wanted to write all of the chapters in my book together, overlapping them, my publisher responded, “how are people ever going to follow it you dumbass?” Frankly I was a bit hurt, perhaps restless, even suicidal. I take pride in my ass, for what else is there really to take pride in? If I could see your ass I’m sure I would take pride in it too. Oh, there’s my publisher again reminding me to “please stay on track.”
It is said a spiritual journey is a lifelong commitment. You can’t just pick a few things and add them to your life, for what will you get? You can’t make a thanksgiving dinner with only a potato and some flour, and you can’t be a lawyer with a good heart and a conscious. No to be a spiritual warrior/master/gaffer, one must not only learn the teachings, but must live the teachings. You can’t fool someone into thinking your potato and four is a thanksgiving dinner, and you can’t fool people into thinking you are a master. I see people with business cards that say they are a master of something. All they are is master of baiters, baiting you out of your money. See through the mask. So, don’t think of me as a master, instead think of me as the guy who will tell you everything to do, say and think for the rest of your life. I feel you will be much happier for it.
Actually I would rather let you do it yourself, you seem up to it, unlike that last guy who started reading. He was hopeless. We have to believe in ourselves and our self-worth. I myself am worth $8261.93. You may be worth more. What matters is that I believe in myself, I believe in the universe, I believe in the nurse who comes each Friday to change my bandages, and I believe in you. The world is an illusion, a great dream, so don’t believe what I wrote for who am I? Believe it in your heart. Make this whole book like a giant koan (riddle) like: what is the meaning of life, is this really a dream, was I really stupid enough to spend $24.95 on this book? Then let the answers find you.
Don’t say you’ll try. When someone says, “I’ll try to come over tonight,” it means, “I’m not coming over so I can sleep with your best friend Terry who is far better in the sack than you.” So you see how saying you will try will just hurt my feelings. So don’t try, just come over and we will see what happens. I’ve learned some new magic tricks just for you. I’ve got lots of food, stay as long as you want. Just remember that the packaged salami is only for special occasions. Oh, one more thing. What time should I set the alarm for you to wake up?
All the best,
Howdie Mickoski