THE LATE SHOW
WITH DAVID RENAISSANCE
ANNOUNCER: From Florence, the learning capital of the world, it’s the Late Show with David Renaissance. Tonight David welcomes healer and prophet Nostrodamus, writer William Shakespeare, and sexy and talented Joan of Arc. With Paul Copernicus and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who thinks Plato is really kick ass…David Renaissance.
Dave walks to the center of the state wearing a blue suit along with a long dark cape.
DAVE: Welcome, ah, everyone to the fabulous Marsiglio Ficino Theatre here in the heart of downtown Florence. And there’s a buzz in the air today, all day long. Do you feel it Paul?
PAUL: Ha, ha, no not really Dave.
DAVE: Well I feel it in the air Paul, the feeling of the Renaissance. The great rebirth. We’re coming to the light again out of the Dark Ages, and right here in Florence is the hub of a giant wheel. Scholars from all over the world are coming here to learn Platonic and Hermetic thought. However the influx of so many college kids has meant the opening of 8 Taco Bells so there is a trade off.
God bless them Arabs eh Paul. Without the Arabs most of the Hermetic and alchemic texts may have been lost. They kept them alive for the last 500 years. However, they also kept alive the last 500 editions of People’s Who’s Hot, Who’s Not issues.
Well, a new survey out says that Venice is the best place to live in Italy. (crowd boos) Now please, I didn’t make the survey. Now here in Florence we have the Cathedral of Santa Maria, famous Campanile Bell Tower, ah the Plazzo Vecchio, and we are the home of all the world’s guilds so our teamsters can beat up their city any time we want.
Of course for anyone to be a part of the Renaissance they have to follow the seven Hermetic principles which are: All is Mind, As above so below, Everything is vibration, Everything has polarity, Everything has gender, Everything has rhythm, and I’ve got my gal who can ask for anything more. Ha, ha, ha.
Bible’s been getting into a little bit of trouble. Ya, it seems there are a lot of glitches in the translation. For example in the original Hebrew texts it doesn’t say Jesus was nailed to a cross but to a stake. Hey, that’s the way Oprah wants to go. Ya!
How about our Italian president George W. Shrub? He was recently in Tuscany…
PAUL: Tuscany, lovely.
DAVE: So in Tuscany he is arrested by the Catholic Inquisition and tortured for 24 hours to reveal his knowledge, until they finally realized…he didn’t have any.
The printing press is something eh Paul? They can hammer out a book now in like 8 seconds or something. And books are all over Europe now. It has though led to a rise in pornography, and last night to check it out I went to Times Square here in the heart of Florence and picked some up. I was later disappointed to find that it was only nude drawings of Leonardo Da Vinci.
Say anyone from out of town? From the Holy Roman Empire. (cheers). Good news of course, the 118 year conflict between France and England finally ended. Though millions have perished from the last 118 years of fighting, scholars have decided to rename it the Hundred Years War to make it sound more romantic and to avoid any confusion. Actually it all started in 1331 when a French Guy asked an English Guy for a french fry, but the English Guy thought he asked for a french kiss.
Have we got a show tonight. Nostradamus is here. But I guess a year ago, he knew he would be ha, ha. Shakespeare is here, Joan of Arc…take it away Paul
Paul plays some music while Dave walks to his desk and sits down.
DAVE: Time for tonight’s top ten list. Tonight, top ten Catholic Church mistakes over the last 1500 years. Ready? Top ten Catholic Church mistakes the last 1500 years. Heeeere we go-
#10 Made Jesus to be the Son of God and an immortal being, when that title only refers to Dick Clark
#9 Telling Bishop of Constantinople to “Bite Me”
#8 Kept Bible only available in Latin, while TV Guide was available in Anglo and Saxon
#7 Crusaders got to kill, pillage and rape all they wanted, but never once got to stop for a Happy Meal at McDonalds
#6 Instead of sending George Forman for the Holly Grail, they sent him for the Holy Grill
#5 Yearly Easter burning of cats led to rise in the rat population and… the plague
#4 Began to receive cash payments to make pardons from hell for anything from rape to murder; started protection racket to keep the rich out of the Inquisition; kidnapped thousands of young girls to work in church run whorehouses…all really pissed off the Mafia.
#3 Burned and tortured 20,000 Cathars in France to get their secret, and the church still doesn’t know how they got the caramilk into the caramilk bar.
#2 Replaced old fun Easter Buns tradition of not wearing any pants with new one of eating crappy pastries
#1 Didn’t stop that damn Martin Luther from pinning notes on doors in Germany…will only lead to Jehovah’s Witnesses