As some of you know, on may 28, 2005 "I" fell into a raging river canyon by a huge waterfall in the Canadian Rockies and "died." But then the form thing got out, and with that death came a door opening, a catalyst. I will write about the experience for the new book. But here I wanted to show some of my journal entries in the days directly following the "Death." To give you an idea what was happening- and how the big experience is never the REALIZATION part, just the thing that helps the form get out of the way for a while so it can be hit with realizations. Most you read here happened when I came walking down the street. It also helps to point out the confusion, weirdness, and of course the at times incredible joy that all come with the territory.

As I tell about the day in the water was the key moment of the experience, shared by me and the friend who "fell in" with me- was that each in our own way accepted that we were dead.. I knew I was dying, and this was the moment, and it was totally accepted and I was happy about it. No regrets, no wishes for more life, just surprises that it was happening in this particular way. That total acceptance of the situation opened the doorway for death to take the I, the "me" thing gave way in that split second, and dying was as good as ice cream, a first date, or a lottery win. No problem. Just wonder at how it would play out. Best way I can describe it now. But then I got out- but everything changed. I had done hard spiritual practice of shamanism, Zen, Taoism, alchemy- you name it- for 10 years- and this one experience began to revolutionize all I had done, seen, experienced- and in many cases just cancelled it out.

So I thought my journal entries might be of some help to you, or just might garner up some questions. Enjoy.

I begin with a passage from Carlos Castaneda's last book "The Active Side of Infinity"

"…another wave of horror flooded my mind: Had it only been an illusion that I had jumped into that Abyss in Mexico, at twilight the previous day?…Another strange thought occurred in my mind. It had the same clarity of a quasi-memory of having died and revived before, and the same quality of being totally foreign to me: My continuity was now broken beyond repair. I had really died, one way or another, in the bottom of that gully. It was incomprehensible to comprehend my being alive, having breakfast at Ships. It was impossible to see my past and see the uninterrupted line of continuous events that all of us see when we look into the past."

Carlos Castaneda

Active Side of Infinity

May 29

After surviving what I did yesterday, what challenge can I not overcome? You hear stories of people in near death situations cry out "I'm not done yet, I need to do this or that." Interestingly I don't feel that. Maybe I did most everything I wanted to do?

May 30

One of the strangest things right now is that my life does not feel that much different, It like my mind is trying to push the experience away, "ah it wasn't that close, you got out, how hard could it have been, forget about it."

While walking back from a stroll along the river I had the thought "a warrior's personal history begins once he becomes a warrior, all that happened before does not count." I feel like Saturday I died, and that my life before Saturday is how someone would view a past life. it sort of happened but is separate from the life I am living now. Then I realized that everyone I would now meet, I did not know them. I have never met them. they are strange to me, even though I may feel a connection to them from a past life. I will have to introduce myself to all of them, "hi I am Howdie, nice to meet you." I realized now that everything I have done, or liked or did not like, does not exist now. I have never kissed a girl, had a drink, skated, been on a bus. In a sense the whole world is new because I have not actually done it in this life.

It goes deeper. I have no past now. I have no events, they did not happen, not to "me' but to some other "me." They all ended when I fell in that river. Every habit, way of thinking, acting, like and dislike all is no longer valid. I am free of it all. There is nothing old anymore. I have no habitual pattern that causes me to do anything. I am 100% free to choose anything I want, I have no ties to even my spiritual practice anymore. There is no past event in my life to clean up or cling to or influence me anymore because they all happened to that "other guy." This life began the moment I crawled out of that water.

Wow there is no personal history to hold me back! Death took all that , death accepted my previous life experiences as payment, it's a new life now. I can choose to like similar things or not. Wow, think of the freedom.

On the walk back home, L's (an ex-girlfriend) car drove by. Anytime a yellow beetle would drive by I would always feel a knot in my stomach, 'what if its her." This time it was her but the only thought I had was, "I never dated her, yet I did in a past life.' it was just a fleeting memory, no emotion, no need to dwell on it. It just does not impact this life, life began on may 28, 2005 at 12pm.

I also can not sit around and tell stories at the dinner table of that old life. it is not my life, it did not happen to me, its gone. Now granted I have in this life not hit a baseball or driven a car, but there is a connection so likely a skills transfer, but I am not obliged to like or dislike any thing the way I did in my previous life. I now wonder about taking a new name.

So then I thought, well I have no shoulder injury, because it happened in the other life. I reached over to try something I could not do, touch my other shoulder. When I did it I freaked out a bit, "that can't happen, its impossible I can't do that, but I can." Wow that is when I really realized that my old life was in deed gone, my shoulder injury was no more.

May 31

Got up early, no surprise and searched the net for some Egypt sites. I still feel a great draw to them, and feel that TV show was my first step. Egypt was my first step, but that was in the past of the old life. a new feeling energized. Everything from before seeing that program in 1997 is gone. That was a marker where all before was washed away. Things between 1997 and 2005 are sort of in a limbo state, some will stay and some will be washed. Anything Egyptian stays and goes forward.

What about the objects in my home from before 1997? Technically they have no bearing on this life in any way. My friends from high school for example. I have no connection to any of them in any way, unless I talked to them after 1997. All the others are washed away. In fact, the memory of those friends from before 1997 are washed away- only the encounters after that have any bearing.

June 2

I am much hungrier, wanting to eat a lot. I told Elin yesterday and I felt better to finally tell someone. She is about the only one I could tell I think.

I know I no longer want to stay in this apartment, no space, no sunlight or feeling. I am not sure I want to live in Calgary anymore. I thought of old cities I lived in, but of course I have no ties to those places either.

I miss the memory of my early days of spiritual practice. There was so much excitement and energy and hope. Mind kept thinking there was something it could get from it.

June 3

I can see that in the last life I gave in too early, "its ok, its good enough, it could be worse." I settled a lot. For some they would have to practice letting go, yet I am the opposite. I did that practice already, I've learned what one needs to survive. Ina survival situation, I would be fine. Yet some of it was simply settling, not accepting what I really wanted. This change began with the Egyptian book. I would not settle, I wanted what I wanted and no less. It was going to be what I dreamed no matter the difficulty. I did not get angry or frustrated, but did not settle either. I just said no, not this, do it again. I want colour plates so no matter the price, I'm doing that.

I looked through some spiritual commentaries of ancient texts, one by a Hindu wise man. He knows shit, like a catholic priest interpreting the bible. Religious authorities know what they are supposed to know and think in the party line.

I used to expend a lot of energy worrying about the future, because things were often so challenging in the now. I can see there is no sense worrying about a future that may never come, or saving for a future that I may not live to see. Just do what you want to do right now, and let go of the rest: spend what you need to now, be happy now, don't save for tomorrow, there is no certainty.

June 4

I feel like an alien in this world, the human world. In nature I feel normal.

Who questions their reality? Children do not separate the possible from the impossible, their minds are easier to free. For days I have been struggling with reality concepts, matrix, bubbles.

If you knew you would die tomorrow you would have no time for bad moods, anger or depression. You would just want to enjoy the moment of it. If you are doing something now that you don't like. Stop. Do what you want to do- now.

Today on a walk everything was green and alive. I stopped and smelled flowers and trees. It was magnificent.

I am again not sure about this reality, like in 2003 again. Cars are coming to intersections at the same time I am, people are looking at me strangely as if they are following me. I am not sure all the humans are humans anymore,

Caught in the water of Johnston canyon there was no judgement. I was not angry with the water, or thinking to write a letter to the government. I was in the situation. I accepted I was in it, and accepted being dead. Then I chose to get out, or something chose me to choose to get out. In some way in that moment I felt that my power was so strong.

June 11

Went for a walk and the same plane tried to ply over my head 3 times. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of the matrix keeping us in prison reality. I'm tired of the illusion, all of it. I didn't come back to be in the same shit again. I want to open the bubble and then open everyone else's bubble.

That night I had a dream. A huge spaceship (that looked like veteran's stadium) was flying in the sky, but one noticed. No one looked up. I kept tapping joggers, telling them to look up but no one would. I was the only one who would see it, not because they couldn't, but because they wouldn't look up.

June 14

Falling in the depth of question like "what is the meaning of all this, what really is life, what the hell am I doing here, what is real, what is worth doing or not? If nothing is real, why do anything or even try to stay alive? What if everything I ever believed about reality is wrong? That would mean I everything I have ever done is a lie.

Walking along today came the very simple realization. I never got out of the canyon, something got me out, a force, an angel, or guarding if you wish. Howdie Mickoski could never have got out of that space. A woman told ken a few days ago that no one has gotten out of there before. But then I realized that I could have never fallen in either. I must have had help with that too. Thus the same "helper" that pulled me out, must also have been the one that pushed me in. Both the good- getting out, and the bad- falling in- were equal to what was behind it all- running the show, which was not "me." It was the stunning realization, there was no doer. A me did not actually do the falling in or getting out. when i looked to find this force, to go back as far as i could, all i could find, was nothing. That nothing is the guardian, and that nothing must also be what I am! Thus the angel that pushed me in and pulled me out. must also have been none other than "real me"- the nothing that is what I am.

"yes I had jumped into an abyss, I said to myself, and I didn't die before I reached the bottom of that gully. I let the dark sea of awareness swallow me. I surrendered to it without fear or regrets.. and that dark sea had supplied me with whatever was necessary for no not to die, but to end up in my bed in LA…I truly believed at that moment that the foreign thought that had been insinuating itself to me since I had woken up was true: I was someone else. An exchange had taken place at the moment of my jump…this thought gained momentum until it invaded all my being. Any residue of my old self that I may have retained vanished then."

Carlos Castaneda

Active Side of Infinity

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