SEINFELD
-The Mess-
1 EXT STREET CORNER
Jerry, George and Elaine are waiting on the sidewalk for Kramer to arrive for lunch.
GEORGE: (checking his watch) Kramer said he’s be here at noon. (flustered) Ah, we should be keeping that maniac off the road.
ELAINE: I’m so hungry!
JERRY: The worst part of it is, is that he thinks he’s a great driver.
GEORGE: No I’m a great driver.
JERRY: No, you’re a great backer-upper.
GEORGE: That’s true. I’ve always liked going backwards. See where I’ve been, what’s gone past me in my life.
ELAINE: Don’t you want to see your future?
GEORGE: Why would I want to see my future?
ELAINE: Good point. (she looks at her watch) Where is that idiot?
GEORGE: He said he’d be here.
ELAINE: I’m so hungry
JERRY: (pulls out some gun) Here have a sick of gum.
ELAINE: Ya, that’ll fill me up.
JERRY: (cheerfully) It’s spearmint.
Elaine takes notice of a cute guy who walks past.
GEORGE: You not seeing anyone?
ELAINE: Naah. (gets a thought) Hey Jerry, what about that cute comedian you told me about…
JERRY: He died two years ago. Remember, you were at the funeral.
ELAINE: Oh ya. That was sad.
JERRY: (confused) Because he died, or because you didn’t get to date him?
Elaine contemplates Jerry’s statement, then shrugs her shoulders. Kramer finally arrives.
JERRY: Where have you been?
KRAMER: Zen meditation Jerry. I feel, ooh, balanced.
GEORGE: You’ll never be balanced, can we get going?
KRAMER: Oh I need a bank.
ELAINE: But I’m so hungry.
2 INT BANK
All four are standing at the writing desk as Kramer fills out a withdrawal slip. Along with them also writing something down is man who turn out to be a robber.
GEORGE: How long does it take for you to fill out a withdrawal slip?
KRAMER: I like to make sure that all my information is accurate.
ELAINE: You know they have bank machines now in the 20th century.
JERRY: He doesn’t like them.
KRAMER: They’re communist
ELAINE: Communist?
KRAMER: Oh, ya.
ELAINE: I’ve never seen a photo of Boris Yeltsen at my bank machine.
KRAMER: That’s because he is not a communist. Not all Russians are communists you know. (Kramer stops writing and looks at the pen he is using to write) Some bank this is. They’ll loan you a million dollars, just give it to you, but they don’t trust you with their pens.
GEORGE: (again looking at his watch) Can we get on with this?
KRAMER: Like you have something to do?
JERRY: We’re going for lunch.
KRAMER: You all need some Zen meditation.
Kramer finally finishes and the four walk to the front of the line. The robber stands behind them. A teller finishes with her client, and lets Kramer know that her space is available.
TELLER: Next please.
KRAMER: No thank you.
JERRY: What are you doing?
KRAMER: Oh, I don’t like that teller.
JERRY: Do you know her?
KRAMER: No, but that teller looks more efficient.
ELAINE: So less communist?
KRAMER: Bingo!
The robber moves to the first teller instead, while Kramer moves to the other teller who is now free. Before Kramer can present his withdrawal slip, the robber pulls out a gun.
ROBBER: Nobody move. (to the teller) Give me your money.
Kramer continues with his forms.
ROBBER: (to Kramer) I said nobody move.
KRAMER: (to the robber) I just want to take some money out.
ELAINE: (to Kramer) Shut up!
KRAMER: (to Elaine) Well, I want my money, I’m a customer.
GEORGE: The bank is being held up.
KRAMER: But I pay service charges.
JERRY: Do you see what he’s holding? That’s a gun.
The teller has stuffed money in a bag, which she hands to the robber.
KRAMER: Hey, Mr. Robber.
ROBBER: What?
KRAMER: I really need some money. I’m going out for lunch (holds up his withdrawal slip) Please, please. I’m begging’ ya, please!
GEORGE: Your going to get us shot.
ROBBER: How much is it for?
KRAMER: $75
The Robber reaches into his bag and counts out $75 and gives it to Kramer and takes his withdrawal slip. He then flees.
KRAMER: Pleasure doing business with you.
JERRY: I don’t believe I just saw that.
KRAMER: What?
JERRY: You made a withdrawal from a bank robber.
KRAMER: Jerry, that’s the power of Zen.
3 INT ZEN TEMPLE
The gang has gone for lunch and then been talked into by Kramer going to the Zen Temple. They each stand holding a cushion along with a number of other students waiting instructions from the Zen Master who is standing before them.
KRAMER: This is going to be great.
GEORGE: Well I can’t see how this day can get any worse. First we’re in a bank that gets held up, then we have the worst lunch I’ve ever had in Midtown, and now we’re here.
MASTER: Please, all of you, find a place to sit.
JERRY: (to Elaine) I can’t believe we’re doing this.
ELAINE: We’re doing this all right.
They all take their seats. Kramer and Elaine sit easily into the lotus position. Jerry has some trouble but manages. George can not even get close.
GEORGE: I can’t do it, I’m useless… (the master comes over to him)
MASTER: It’s ok son, sit on your knees. The position is less important than your mind. (he looks at all the students) Perhaps some today will reach Samadhi, a deep awakening. Others kinsho, or self-realization…(he looks at the Seinfeld foursome) Well good luck to all of you. (he walks off)
JERRY: (to Kramer) Now what?
KRAMER: Now you stare at the wall.
JERRY: Stare at the wall, that’s it?
KRAMER: Giddy up!
Five minutes later.
ELAINE’S MIND: MMM, I wonder if I left the stove on? Hey that guy from the gym was there this morning. I wonder if I brushed my teeth? When I see him tomorrow...oh, I’m supposed to be staring at the wall.
JERRY’S MIND: Well this is a waste of time. You know all the things I could be doing right now…damn, there’s nothing else I could be doing right now.
GEORGE’S MIND: Oh my God, I’m in pain. How can these people do this to themselves voluntarily? This is like torture.
A monk comes over and hits George on the back with a stick.
GEORGE: Ow, what the hell is that?
KRAMER: Shh. George that the kyosko stick. He likes you.
GEORGE: You get hit and he likes you?
KRAMER: It shows you’re not meditating fully, it helps you get past your pain.
GEORGE: That’s like saying fight fire with fire, all you get is a bigger fire.
KRAMER: Shh, I’m working on my koan.
ELAINE’S MIND: Oh, koan. A chocolate ice cream cone. Yes, yes!
JERRY’S MIND: Koan, conehead, Dan Akroyd, Saturday Night Live, I’ve been on it…
A bell goes off.
JERRY: What’s that?
KRAMER: Dokusan, we go talk to the master.
4 INT OUTSIDE MASTER’S DOOR
The door open and Jerry walks out to talk to the other three standing outside.
ELAINE: What did he say?
JERRY: He asked me what I got out of meditation. I said nothing, nothing at all. He was thrilled! It seems nothing is the goal.
ELAINE: Did he say anything about us getting any food?
George goes through the door
5 INT MASTER’S ROOM
George does not take the chair but stands by the door after entering
GEORGE: Frankly Master, may I call you master? You see I, ah, already follow the Tao in my life. Yin, Yang thing…I’m an architect, I work at ah, Vandalay Industries. You may have heard of us, very important, and I (checking his watch) I need to get back there so I’m afraid I will have to leave. I’m ah, a big non-doer.
MASTER: Tao not-doing, you do nothing.
George gets offended
6 INT OUTSIDE MASTER’S DOOR
The three are awaiting George to come out when they begin to hear shouting and things being thrown inside.
JERRY: You had to know something like this would happen.
They all nod in agreement