SOME STUFF ABOUT ME
“If you are still waiting, what are you waiting for? The only choice you have is whether you are going to continue wasting time, or whether you will pick up your warrior’s shield and start your journey right now. The choice is yours. You may choose to wait, but time will not wait for you.”
Theun Mares
So many who come to meet me what to know a little bit about my story, my life, as if that will somehow give them the secrets about what they need to do. Well here is a chance to tell a little of the “warrior” part of my life between 1997-2005 and perhaps answer a few questions along the way.
Q So what is a warrior?
A A person is called a warrior because they are always at war, not with other people or the world. Those people are called idiots. And that’s everybody. A warrior is at war with themselves, every second of every day. The battle is with their mind and all of its doubts, fears, prejudices, emotions, and delusions. A warrior attempts to rid themselves of the mind that has possessed them into hell, so that they can see the truth of their situation.
The warrior’s path begins after some great discomfort. It has its roots in the shamanic traditions of our past and is designed first to get our form back in harmony with nature, and it can be used as part of the process to break down self and reality- if one really does the exercises fully. You can not play with it and pretend to be some sort of shaman, that will get you nowhere.
a few things are needed to properly walk the warrior’s path to truth. First a commitment to find the truth, no matter what even if it drives you insane or kills you. That commitment to not give up until you really know what is the glue that holds it all together. And that can only happen when you fully reject your old life. Secondly the desire to embrace death, to know your time here is limited thus the need to act now. So they act not to get somewhere but for the sheer joy of acting. As don Juan said, “If we’re going to play, then let’s play. But we play to the death.” The warrior bets everything on one spin of the roulette wheel. It is a great risk, but they soon realize there is no risk, all they risk is the old life they already rejected. He doesn’t complain about his situation, but uses it to spur him on. Then you can use death to kill the false. Next, one needs to store energy. That energy will be needed to get you closer to the truth and to withstand the shock of finding it out. Basically the warrior’s path is just a commitment one makes, and will fight everything and everyone to keep that commitment. It is a path of sorting through the garbage to see if there is anything real underneath it all. You have to find what’s real, and it is not the bits and pieces you set aside. Finally you will need a great sense of humour to help let your form get through what you are going to find out about yourself, and reality.
Many falsely believe the path of the warrior is a set of rules to follow, like religion, to be a better person. The warrior’s path is the search for truth, it is not a set of rules- it is a guidance that we must adapt to our individual circumstances. Everyone will be different, everyone’s path will be unique. Everyone has different obstacles they feel are between them and enlightenment. You can’t just lay down a series of rules and expect them to work for everyone. Each has to create their own system, their own path, keeping what works for them and rejecting what doesn’t. We all need energy to walk the path for example, that is kind of one of the roots, but how it works for you is how it works for you. Some with be a vegetarian others will eat meat. One will be celibate the other have sex. Some will give to charity, some will steal from them. Those things really don’t matter much except in how they are storing energy, which will be different for everyone. But that energy can be applied to the commitment- so when another layer is shown to be illusion your won’t run in terror or go crazy. Ok you will go crazy, I went crazy twice, just a warrior does not allow those totally insane periods to last long.
Q How did you start to wake up?
A I got fed up of being asleep. Ok I guess you want a longer answer. Spirit manifested and descended upon me the first time in 1997. It took me years to understand what the manifestation and the descent of spirit meant, but there was no forgetting the event and feeling that sent me on my search for truth. It was March 1997, around the time of my 28th birthday. At this point in my life I had little idea of spiritual matters, or that your 28th year is your Osiris year when Saturn returns through ones astrological chart to shake up our life if we are not living our true purpose. I had graduated university in 1993 after taking a year off for a business failure and family upheaval. Then I ran away for two years to Australia, only to return to Canada in 1995 to suffer two more years of trying to be a comedian in Toronto. Nothing in my life was bringing me any joy, all my “titles” and “identities” were powerless, and I found worst of all that I was getting ever more mean and manipulative. This realization was one of the scariest of all. I also felt I had nothing. The history degree I spent four years, and a ton of debt acquiring, seemed worthless. My relationships had gone from bad to worse, treating the last woman I had been dating (Diane) and one of my best friends (Holly), so poorly I wondered “what has happened to me?” I was fed up with Western civilization. Everywhere I looked I saw people who looked stressed out and unhappy. I myself was broke, had no possessions, was angry, and blamed all of my current plight on the actions of father, over six years ago. I was at the lowest of the low, yet without realizing it, it was perfect. Something within was not going to give up just yet, something that would later save me from death, and end my existence as human slave robot #369 345 453 (my social insurance number). My great transformation was only a day away, but how could I have known?
I had come back to my mother’s house in Ottawa, feeling like a great failure, feeling only sadness for what I thought I lost. One evening I was flipping channels on the TV in my room. The time was around 8:10 PM, ten minutes into all the 8PM programs. I turned to a documentary on Nova PBS “This Old Pyramid.” Even though later I would write books that would dismiss most of what was said in that very documentary, I will always hold for it a sense of gratitude. It saved my life, or should I more properly say, it gave me back my life. Watching it, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, Egypt was to be my life’s focus. Something in that instant told me that everything I had learned, believed or hoped for- was a giant lie. Ancient Egypt knew the secret of life, whatever that was, and I was ready in that moment to do whatever it took, sacrifice whatever had to be sacrificed to no longer live a life that was a lie- or die trying. I had become Captain Ahab in Moby dick. I spent the next two months reading 30 books, getting myself up to date on the information out there. I had originally felt one thing, I had to get to Giza inside the great pyramid. Egypt had secrets and wisdom that the entire earth needs again right now, and I was going to dedicate myself to finding it. Seven years later to the day, my 35th birthday, the end of the next 7-year cycle, there I was inside the Great Pyramid!
Q So what was that?
A I had a meeting with the abstract. Spirit gave me one last chance with that television show. It was up to me, up to my nagual to find it, watch it, and absorb the feeling. That feeling would flow through me to activate my intent. I intended at that moment to dedicate my life to learning the ancient wisdom. Every cell in my being agreed, and sent me on me way. Good thing too. Spirit had set me up with a great illness, depression, as a sense of shattering my world, to get me to stop rushing and focusing on the outer, to go searching inside. Even death halted to watch my decision. And I made it, and my life as an average man, wanting average things, in an average world had come to an end. Ceased to exist. However I too ceased to exist, but it took me a while to understand that.”
The greatest thing I acquired from that program was Unbending Intent or Superior Intention. This is a mind that strives first and foremost for truth. This mind creates the alchemic process of looking for the dirt of our being, and to turn it to gold. When I first saw that program I had it strongly, I did not just want to learn the Egyptian wisdom for myself but to pass the wisdom on to help all beings. One can in a sense skip this helping of being step and just go to the hard core, bloody battle of waking up to the truth. First and foremost is our practice everything else takes second stage to it. To not do this will be like putting a pot on to boil but turning the element on and off. It is going to take a long time for that water to boil. Unbending intent is another name for total commitment, and you follow its direction, but not in the way of someone else. You don’t want to be an imitator; you want the truth.
“I did not want to be a warrior. I believed all that work was for nothing, and since we were all going to die what difference would it make? I was wrong, but I had to find that out for myself.”
Carlos Castaneda
Q Had you been mystical and spiritual before that?
A no, not at all. I would have been awarded in high school the “least likely to become a mystic or enlightened.” I may have got one for most likely to be a psychologist, for I helped a lot of people through their problems, but mystical stuff was far from my mind.
I do recall that when I was around 20 I had an experience when I woke up in my bed, felt odd, looked down and I could see my body ended at my chest, where my head and shoulders and body continued. In a sense I realized “I” whatever my awareness was, was not fully into my body that I thought of as me. I was freaked out. So I pushed and pushed and finally- boom I was in and opened my eyes, and things looked normal again. But that experience stayed with me after that, something I knew was not totally the same. I do recall in university having some conversations about lucid dreaming- seeing yourself in bed asleep. That sort of stuff. But mostly at that time my focus was on hockey, drinking and meeting cute girls.
Then in 1995, I mention this sometimes, I was in Toronto at 8 am downtown and I saw the subway car open at bay and yonge, and all the business people came out for work. And they looked like cattle going to get slaughtered. At that moment I knew I would do anything else but live a life like them. they could pretend the rest of their time how much they liked their life, but I saw through them. they were nothing but cattle, and work was their slaughterhouse. Not for me!
After my Egypt video experience the first thing I wanted to learn how to do was to see auras. Took me about 20 minutes with a guy named Steve chalk teaching me. There they were. But the aura was something I had always claimed was bullshit (cuz I had never seen one). But now I saw it. So I wondered what else is not bullshit just because I haven’t seen it. Seeing those auras that day opened my mind to possibility of everything after that.
Q When this video happened for you, you were very depressed? Does everyone’s journey have to start with a depression?
A No. My journey started with depression because I carried intense sadness. For those who carry anger it may come as an illness or confrontation. The difficulty is trying to show us not to get rid of or push away the difficulty (for that is a form of anger, non-acceptance) but rather to examine our way of living and thinking, and heal that. Until you can see that your usual way of doing things just doesn’t work, only then will you really be open for change. When you are having a wonderful dream, we don’t want to wake up. We only want to wake up when we are having a nightmare. Everyone, including you and me, are dreaming right now. People don’t know they are dreaming, so they identify with it thus just get more of it. Everyone who is trapped in the dream, from the richest billionaire to the most beautiful looking woman, is suffering at their core. That is why difficulty is such a good thing. It makes us want to stop it.
Q So you were already fed up with the world?
A oh yes, in fact in the mid 90’s I though seriously about throwing away all this material shit and just go live in a log cabin in the wilderness. So a while people kept pushing on me these self help gurus- you know Tony Robbins and the like. Positive thinking and do this do that and you’ll get rich. I knew that was a load of shit, religion I could tell was crap. So where did that leave? Nothing until that program showed me another possibility to check out.
People in the West live a horrible repetitive life of work, TV, shopping and distraction. They never make any time to go inward, only keep locked on things outside of themselves. How can one stand to live a life that is so non-magical, and that is destroying everything around them? Most everyone’s life has been mapped out for them since the age of two: go to school, get a job, have a family, get stuff, consume, take your one week holiday, keep rushing and acquiring to show everyone how well you are doing, then you die. Thus they have just continued the same patterning of their parents. We have created a world where we feel we need more and more, because we keep being told we are less and less, so we need to get more and more; stuff or titles, then develop even more fear to protect it all. We need to show everyone else “the losers” all our stuff and titles. Frighteningly this is how almost everyone lives. If you don’t believe me just look around, or better yet look in the mirror.
People thought I was insane when I began telling them of my dreams after watching that video. Actually being insane is a good thing, it means you are not like everyone else. Since everyone else is bored, stressed, in passionless relationships, fearful of trying anything new- I think being insane is a positive thing. Yet it is only from disappointment, or through extreme difficulty, that shows us how truly unhappy we really are. We can then either run away (what most people do) or we can look for the deeper memory that remind us that life is not supposed to be like this.
Q So walking the warrior’s path has led you to great peace and happiness?
A Look you have to get this peace and happiness bullshit out of your head as soon as possible to let anything happen for you. I followed it for years until I finally got that it doesn’t exist, a trick of the guru to keep making money off of us. If you really do this stuff you won’t find things more peaceful, if anything you will find things are way more creepy. I mean first off the reality you thought was so solid, so full of scientific rules are whatever, is not solid and has no rules. Instead of a world of people you are going to see a world of zombies who are pretending they are people. That includes your best friends and their family. No better than zombies. You tell me that realization is going to be peaceful for you? that is why you need all that energy stored up so your form doesn’t just pack it in when it finds out every single thing it has been holding onto as true, is in fact one giant lie.
In 1999 I was on a shamanic dreaming journey to speak with my deceased friend Joan, as I do each year on the anniversary of her death. We had spent time “talking” and were now walking hand in hand along a pathway. I was explaining to her how beautiful I thought she was and how I missed being with her, when she turned to me and said, “you had to wait until I was dead to flatter me?” Needless to say that line floored me, if it is possible to be floored in the realm of the dead. Her words have stayed with me all this time.
Q So why do we wait to say what we want to people, or to do what we really want with our life?
A “we humans are so stupid and self-important before we become warriors. We spend all of our time focused on our own moods and our own ideas, that we forget that death is always around. In this case I didn’t die, but my friend did, killing my direct link to her on the physical. Some however go too far the other way, placing all their energy and power on another person or thing, creating what we don’t want between us and them. Space. Just know that every time you see someone it could be your last time. If they mean something to you, ask yourself, did you tell them how you feel? If you want to kiss them, go ahead, be sure you don’t miss those opportunities. If your heart wants you to follow a path, or visit someplace, or even just play with your dog- do it. We never know if we will ever have that chance again.”
“People should think less of what they ought to do,
and more on who they ought to become.”
Meister Eckhart
Q What was one of your biggest mistakes at the beginning of your journey?
A Oh, that’s easy. I kept waiting, saying to myself over and over, wait until this happens. Then everything will be ok, and I can enjoy life. Just wait until my books gets done, until I get rich, until I get married, until I get enlightened, until I become somebody. That’s a big one for me, the need to become somebody. As long as I needed to become somebody, I was never good enough right now. Forget the future, forget the past. Open to the eternity that surrounds you this very second in the present moment. When you lose the need to be somebody important, in fact when you lose the need to accomplish anything, all of my teachings will have finally made their impact. Actually it is frightening watching all the energy I used to put into what I did in order to become somebody in the future. When I got rid of time, and saw that there is no future to become somebody, I knew I had to be that person right now. You’ll still do things, but you won’t be that interested in how they will turn out. You’ll just do them, and because of that, like a stage actor on opening night, everything you do will be filled with a magic and beauty. All of your actions will be infused with power, because you will have learned how to act for the sake of acting, not to one day be somebody. Thus you will have no idea what you are doing or why you are doing it, so you’ll be a surprise even to you.
Hey…come on, lets get out of here and get into nature. everyone needs to be in nature as much as possible.”
Q You mean I need to go to a park?
A No a park is not nature. A park is for recreation, re-creating nature. There is nothing natural about a park, even though it has trees and grass. No today we are going into the woods so you can spend all day on a special hill, a power spot. Come along.
Q Its ok Howdie, I trust you.
A Don’t trust me, trust yourself. All one has to do is just be themselves, if one is just exactly what they are, the universe or God or Spirit or Intent or whatever you want to call it provide everything they need. Look at that dandelion over there, it is strong and healthy and gets all the sunlight and water it needs.
Q What about that sick dandelion over there Howdie?
A Oh, I guess that dandelion is spending its time wishing it was a rose.
“For a shaman to get where they are now required great personal suffering, social isolation and the psychological fortitude to withstand great terror.”
Wallace Black Elk
Q Are you a shaman?
A Oh god no! Do I do some shaman-like things: soul retrievals, journeys, talk with power animals, work with power spots and tools, make offerings- yes. They are all tools to me that form learned how to use and do. A shaman is someone who stopped at that point and mastered those arts. They probably are not awake, but they sure are a shaman.
Becoming a shaman is not some kind of fun game, like people think it is. After Castaneda’s books were published in the 70’s, a whole lot of white people went out to meet shamans and say they wanted to be one. And the shamans though they were nuts, they had no idea what that actually meant.
One does not choose to be a shaman, the sprit chooses- usually at an early age. Most shamans had to overcome severe sickness as small children, as I was near death with thrush as a two-month old. It is a test of the form to see if it can store enough power to heal itself, and if it can withstand the fear of death at an early age.
Real shamans out there usually live isolated (because so many are afraid of them), and are often the poorest where they live (doing healing not for 1000’s of dollars, but often for nothing because the people who see them have nothing.) And to really do shamanic work is not fun. When I do shamanic healing or a soul retrieval for someone, I become them for a while. Say when I work with a woman who’s life has been hell for a while, I go back to a time she was raped as an 8 year old, and relive that experience as her, then I have to make deals with the rapist to get the woman her energy back that she lost. That is no fun game believe me.
“If a person likes his life the way it is, he has no need to change,
thus he will not seek the warrior’s path.”
Theun Mares
Q So I need a teacher?
A if you want to be a shaman, likely. If you want to be enlightened, no not really. It can be of assistance to have someone around to talk with, ask questions to, help point out your ego…you can go to the extreme of spend a lot of time around such a person, but I trust you your ego will become highly flammable around such a person- and always getting another layer of the false me shown is not fun for most people. That is why they go looking for the happy spiritual teacher, promising them how to get rich, or make their thoughts manifest, or get what they want or whatever. But they never get rich, never manifest their thoughts, or get what they want…but at least they never had to break down themselves or reality. All that is still safe.
To the Gnostic wisdom was seen as the beautiful goddess Sophia. The connection is that we must be like a man in love as we court Sophia with all our heart. Those deep infatuations we had a teenagers are meant to show us the kind of effort we need to put into the search for Sophia. It helped me to remember what it was like after I met a woman named Jodie in 1994 in Australia. I literally could think of nothing else all day but her. That is the only teacher you need, that level of commitment to be so in love with Sophia that nothing else will enter your mind, or get you stop unless Sophia says no. but in the wisdom game, Sophia never says no to those who want to connect with her. Though she will present quiet a challenge to be caught.
Q In your opinion, what is the best path?
A There is no right path to wake up. The only things enlightened people have in common is what they find. The way they get there is as varied as there are organisms on the planet. I sure as hell wouldn’t recommend anyone do it my way, I made it real difficult on myself. Find your own way, don’t follow anyone else’s. Not every system or technique, no matter how good, will work for everyone. It is called the pathless path because there is no path, and no one to walk it.
“Thus it isn’t as time goes by that you are learning sorcery, rather you are learning how to store energy. This saved energy will enable you to handle some of the energy fields which are inconceivable to you right now.”
Carlos Castaneda-Power of Silence
Q But I have to store energy?
A In time energy gets stored using the practices of recap, dreaming, stalking the self, body energy practices, cultivating sexual energy, laughing and others. But begin by doing little things. Little changes. Instead of spending two hours in front of a TV or talking to your friends on the phone about things that don’t matter, dedicate it to some practice. Even just make a commitment to yourself to go for a twenty minute walk every day. Then live up to your commitment. That will take you to the bigger techniques. You need power to change, but you need some power first to be able to commit to the very exercises that will allow you to change. Begin to transform your habits and patterns, the biggest waste of energy there is. The great power you seek, the great transformations you hope to stumble across are not going to be found in caves, on mountains or in pyramids- even I had profound experiences with all of them. No, they will be found in the little details of your life. Then of course you realize your true nature and find there never was you in control of anything. You were simply helpless the whole time.
Q How do you stop it?
A By making death your best friend. You must die to the old. The old you. Most come to the spiritual path in order to take their current life, alter a few things, and make it better. In the long run, this does shit of course. But they like to fool themselves and there are lots of books and teachers out there to help keep fuelling the fooling. The warrior instead knows that the old is the enemy. It is the old life that he no longer wants. He no longer wants it so badly, he is willing to go to the extreme alternative. Only by embracing the complete death of the old, everything, will one be able to rouse up the courage needed for the battle to find the truth and one’s freedom. Your life is the problem, you don’t fix it, you get rid of it.
Q So you say that you were quite lazy?
A Oh yes. I remembered how when I was around 13 years old, I was one of the best hockey players in Eastern Ontario. It looked like I might have a very bright future in professional hockey. I was playing a game at the Civic Centre, the home of the Junior A Ottawa 67’s, every young player’s first step to being a professional. Good friend Gord Hamilton was the stick-boy for the team, and he told me that the 67’s famous coach, Brian Kilrae, was going to watch me play. My ego was enthralled. Even though I was four or five years away from being old enough to play junior, I thought Mr. Kilrae would be so impressed that he would keep watching me for the next four years. Monday morning when I got to school, I went straight to the library to see Gordie, and get my “praises” from Mr Kilrae. “So Gord, what did he say?” “Well,” he said coming out of his slouch and putting down the Sports Illustrated he was reading, “he said, the kid’s got some talent, but he sure is lazy.” I remembered ignoring that comment at the time. Mr. Kilrae just doesn’t know his hockey players. But he is now in the Hockey Hall of Fame, and I’m not.
How does one overcome laziness?
A A good way to overcome laziness was to say thank you. Prayer is a form of thank you, if you are not asking for something for yourself, just thanking the universe for all the gifts it provides. We don’t abuse the gifts when we truly say thank you. You can use a process called the medicine prayer. In it one is to sit and gives thanks and offer blessings to everyone who have come into my life. Depending on how many people in your life you want to address, which could take anywhere from twenty minutes to twenty hours. You want to reach each person from your heart, giving thanks and asking for nothing in return. To ask for something brings your mind into play and takes you out of the purity of your heart.
I have done this set of prayers many times, and afterwards I always feel a sense of lightness. I try each time to include a few people I haven’t seen since I was a small child. Based on the energetic interconnectedness of life, everyone you mention will receive a blessing. I also ask those whose life I made difficult to ask for forgiveness from my poor choices, and to release that energy to that it can better used in future situations by everyone. Many times I include 2-300 people individually in this prayer, asking for blessings to reach them, then include everyone I have never met hoping a blessing will reach all beings. I wondered what the world would be like if everyone did this prayer just once a week.
Q I want to change the subject and ask about enlightenment?
A “Tell you about enlightenment, there is really nothing to tell. Enlightenment just happens. If someone can tell you about it, or you can read it in a book, you will only be going farther away from it. If you think there is a before or after, then it was not enlightenment. The only problem is that you are already enlightened, you just don’t realize it. It is like your whole life before you knew that 2+2=4, enlightenment shows that 2+2=22. That sort of thing. The answer was always there, you just had to get rid of all your programming that said things had to be a particular way.
Q Isn’t being enlightened a great accomplishment?”
A “Not really. Just because there are so few who have realized their state does not make it a great accomplishment. People like that idea because it makes their mind think they are someone special. enlightenment is just the natural state a human is supposed to live in.
“Don’t say good bye to anyone.
Good bye is final, and nothing is final.
Life is a circle, you come, you go, you come back, me too…
one day, we will all wind up in the same place.”
-Leandis-Shadow Catchers